The Great Mental Breakdown of 2013

I don’t know if there’s an official definition of what is a mental breakdown.  But I have a few instances that I think of breakdowns for me.  Maybe because beside breaking down, they were the straw that broke the camel’s back, and would spur me on to do something.  Not always healthy somethings, but something.  They’ve been things like bursting into tears while in the break room at lunch, around people who had never previously seen me do anything except smile (this was at an oooold job, before I learned how to be grumpy in public).  Two years ago, I stopped being able to go to work, and had to take a leave of absence.  And about three weeks ago, I have once again had to take a leave.

I just noticed all these examples involved work. There’s been other times, that only friends or family witnessed, and that didn’t visibly affect things at work.  But I don’t want to talk about those right now.
I do want to write about my experiences currently, though.  Partly because writing is how I process stuff.  Partly because I have friends and family who are concerned, and I figured if they want to learn more about what’s going on, they can check these posts out.  Partly because depression and anxiety don’t get talked about enough.  Not in a constructive way, at least.  There are so many misconceptions about depression and anxiety, things that kept me from seeking help until I was 30, and things which still make it hard to communicate what’s happening with me to others.

So I’m going to write things as I go along. And this may go on for a while, so a cut is in order.





A lot of stuff has happened in the past three weeks.  So, I guess I want to start with an overview.

The Past: I have been diagnosed with Depressive Anxiety Disorder, and my therapist has put me down as agoraphobic too. I worry all the time.  I never stop worrying.  Despite that, usually I am cheerful and I would even say happy, and enjoy being out around people.  I like talking to strangers, and going places every day.  However, sometimes, I can’t get out of bed because I’m sure something terrible will happen if I do.  Once I get out of bed, I can’t leave the house.  Or if I can leave the house, I can only go to specific places, to do specific things.  On those days, the voices of other people grate on me, and their touches are like violent assaults.  Every time someone makes eye contact with me, I want to burst into tears, or just scream in terror.  This kind of thing usually happens rarely.  But since the beginning of May, it has been happening
almost daily.

The Present: I have been working with a doctor, therapist, and even a chiropractor, massage therapist, and sleep disorder doctor.  I will soon have a psychiatrist.  It’s uncertain what has triggered my current issues (I did have a migraine that lasted three weeks, and that has gone away, but it’s unclear on whether the migraine triggered the anxiety, or if the anxiety triggered the migraine, or if something triggered both).  My sleep doctor thinks I may be narcoleptic and I need to have a sleep study done. He thinks that could account for the anxiety.

Right now, I can leave the house when I have simple and clear, short-term goals.  I can get to doctor appointments, usually pretty easily, sometimes with some anxiety on the bus.  Once I’m out the door, I can make myself stop at a grocery store or the pharmacy.  Last weekend, I was able to go to Folk Life each day (though on the days when my family wasn’t there with me, I got too anxious and had to leave almost immediately after arriving).  If I don’t have any doctor appointments scheduled, then I generally cannot make myself leave the house, even if I need something from the store.  I sleep anywhere from 10-14 hours a night right now, and find myself exhausted in the middle of the day and nap often.  Looking at the computer for very long gives me headaches, so I just pick something on Netflix to play in the background while I draw, or sew, or do stuff around the house.  Or, on really bad days, I just sit in a chair and stair at nothing for long periods of time.  I will think of something I should be doing and start do do it, but then find myself staring blankly again.  It can take me several hours to complete something as simple as emptying the dish washer, or replying to an email.  Most days aren’t that bad, though.

The Future: My insurance company wants me to see a psychiatrist in order to mess around with my meds to see if something works better.  My therapist wants to continue therapy as normal, and has helped me get a leave of absence from work to give me time to work things out.  My chiropractor and massage therapist each believe that what they do will resolve all of my issues without the use of drugs.

I’m assuming that a combination of methods and time will help me get through this and back to “normal” (that is, back to a point where I can go to work and interact with people without it being painful).  My secret hope is that narcolepsy could somehow account for all of my problems and they’ll treat it and then my whole life will be amazing.

As for what I’m going to write next: I had some more things I wanted to write, but this is really long, and probably rambly.  Maybe I’ll try to write something once a day, when I can.  And maybe questions will come up from people that I can go into.